Work, Cook, Sit

It's been a little over a week since my last post, and honestly, I don't have much to talk about.

...

I'm still loving my new job. I still have a long way to go until I'm entirely comfortable with what I'm doing, but I'm enjoying the learning process, and the work I have to do has been more interesting and fun than tedious.

*****

I haven't cooked anything real in a long while. Sure, I've heated up several things to form a somewhat healthy yet preservative-overloaded meal. Last night was packaged london broil with au jus, pierogies, and broccoli with cheddar sauce. See what I mean? Protein, starch, veggie... but also fat and plenty of hydrogenated whosiwhatits. Ah well. I made up for it tonight by making a version of HG's Famous Bowl, with enough leftovers to afford me two more servings. PLUS, since I made Italian seasoned/broiled chicken instead of the breaded fake chicken, I can make some pasta and sauce and then I will have even MORE meals! Go me!

*****

Walking into home improvement stores immediately puts me in a foul, foul mood. I don't know if it is the smell of wood/tools/mulch or the high, expansive ceilings and loud, echoing announcements, the fact that if you can actually find someone to help you, he never actually knows how to help you, or that I resent the fact that I ever have to go to these stores in the first place because I either want everything to be done already or for it to get done without my involvement. Take your pick, I guess.

Anyway, Alex and I went to such a store this weekend, and we realized that we can probably redo our half-bath downstairs for under $300. This includes a new pedestal sink to replace the nasty, mildewy cabinet/sink combo that is there, tiles to replace the DISGUSTING carpet (why the eff would someone carpet a bathroom?!?!?!), AND a mirror and light fixture! Why haven't we done this already?! We are L-A-Z-Y! We are waiting until next weekend when we'll have the cash (CASH!) to pick everything up, and hopefully my dad will help us out with the plumbing and electrical stuff. The best part: Once the downstairs bathroom doesn't skeeve me out, I will use it way more. Because it has a fan. If you get my... drift.

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And while we're talking about home improvements, something needs to be done about our couch situation. When I moved into my apartment, I bought lovely furniture. When Alex and his bozo friends helped move me out of my apartment, they refused to take the legs off the couch, and instead opted to remove the railing from the stairwell instead. The outcome: My couch was punctured by the railing hardware, which they left there, and the upholstery ripped. I don't know how to fix it, and I don't want to pay to have it reupholstered, and it hasn't been much of an issue because we've been using a hand-me-down couch from Alex's boss. It is an issue now because the couch's stench of dog has gotten increasingly worse, even with regular Fabreezes (extra strength, even), and you can smell it from anywhere in the living room. I know it's our own fault-- we should have never even let the dog on the couch. But what's done is done, and now it's where she sleeps. I want to bring in my couch from the garage, but I don't know how to mend the rip (I am scared that just sewing it will rip the fabric more, as it is pulled so tightly), and even if I do manage to come up with a solution (iron-on patch covered by a decorative throw?), I don't know how to keep the new couch from getting doggy smelly. The short version: Our current couch smells, our other, non-smelly couch is ripped, I want a new couch.

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I guess for someone with nothing to talk about, I managed just fine.

A Very Interesting Story About Gutters

Since we purchased this house over a year ago, we have come to find that each and every time we want to start a project, we are blocked or thrown off course by a previous owner's half-assed job. I know this tends to be typical when you buy a "fixer upper," but damn, we didn't really think we had much to fix up other than a fresh coat of paint everywhere and some new floors, and even those things have been halted by uneven ground and layer upon layer of wallpaper.

Yesterday I called someone to come clean out our gutters. He arrived today in a big unmarked truck-- an old guy in baggy jeans, a wife-beater, and a dirty, floppy white(ish) hat. The estimate was reasonable, and so I figured the strangeness of it all far outweighed the possibility of having to call another guy and schedule another estimate. Plus this guy could do the work today.

As he inspected the back of my house to make the estimate, he questioned me about a missing endcap and downspout, and which point I shrugged my shoulders and told him he could go ahead and fix that too, if it wasn't too expensive, and it wasn't.

When he was finished the work, he came around to report that the reason for the missing endcap is because when the woodstove (which we hate and want to get rid of because it is big and ugly and we are not Add-wood-Set-fire-Sweep-ashes type of people when we have a perfectly good heater that warms the house just fine, thank you) was installed, they built the chimney right on top of the gutters. When the water, which was supposed to flow to the right, had no where to go, they simply took the endcap off the left side and figured that would be fine, as long as the water had somewhere to go.

I'm pretty sure this is the cause of the cracked cement under where (heh heh... underwear) we usually have a nice waterfall when it rains.

And because I had nothing better to do, I took a picture, along with some others, for your viewing enjoyment:


Click me to see bigger!

Psycho organization of kitchen cabinets as procrastination for job search

Pissed off dog who does NOT want to be in this picture, thankyouverymuch!

Sales, Scrapping, Flies, Food

Two guys rang my doorbell, and when I opened the door, they claimed not to be selling anything, but why don't I look at this binder that just happens to list all the replacement services they offer? Having fallen into this trap before, and consequently entertaining the gutter guard guy for approximately 2 hours despite all polite and then even direct attempts to get him out of our house, I told these guys no thank you, that we are not ready to do anything yet. And you know what the one guy did? He pointed out the cracks in our front windows! The thing is? I know the cracks are there, and yet, I am STILL telling him no. If the cracks alone were enough to convince me to spend over $30,000 to re-gutter, re-window, and re-side the entire house, I would have done it! This asshole pointing out my home's embarassing cosmetic faults won't do anything but convince me to contract someone else when we do have the money. Jerk.

*****

It's Baaa-aaaack...

Yes, my friends, Scrapbooking is going to make a comeback in my life. I have a bunch of photos sitting on my hard drive. Now, I am hoping that without my ex-job sucking the life out of me, I will be able to revisit the things I used to enjoy. Crafty things. Scrapbooking. Beading. Card-making. Just the thought of it is making the black part of my heart shrink a little and the nerdy part sing B-52s tunes. Rock Lobster, indeed.

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There always seems to be a fly in the house. Apparently, flies can live for about 15 days, but I like to think that the lack of shit and garbage sitting around my house (on most days) would shorten their lifespans, and that it's not always the same fly. Plus there are always little fly corpses on the (cracked) window sill.

I don't normally try to kill the flies, because I'm not very good at it. I don't like to smash them against walls because I don't want to clean up their guts, and I really don't have the coordination for the mid-air swat.

Anyway, I was excited to trap a fly earlier when it landed on a candle and I covered the jar with the fly swatter. I walked the little cage over to the door, moved the swatter, and... the fly wouldn't fly! It just kept walking around in circles on the wax. I had to shake the candle several times before eventually turning it upside down and smacking it. It finally disappeared, but when I walked back in, there was a fly chilling on the TV screen. Suspicious, don't you think?

IMPORTANT FLY UPDATE: Just minutes after publishing this post, I heard a buzzing sound on the table next to me. Careful examination of the crime scene left me zooming in high def on a fly chilling inside my bag of Sour Patch Kids. A true flyitarian, I quickly grabbed the top of the bag, crumpled it up so the fly was stuck inside, and ran it to the trashcan. I like to think it's how Mrs. Miagi would have done it.

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And just what you want to read about following flies...

Tonight's Delicious Dinner: Cheesy Garlicky Super Tasty Risotto

2 cans low fat, low sodium chicken broth
2 tsp. jarred minced garlic (I suppose you could use fresh, but I am lazy)
1 cup arborio rice
chives
dried parsley (fresh would have been better, but I have none)
a couple handfulls of mozzarella cheese (I would have liked to add some grated parm, too, but am out)
kernels from 2 ears of leftover grilled corn (or you could use frozen)
S & P

*Note: I did not cook this the way you are supposed to cook risotto, and it still came out great. So there.

Pour broth into skillet and heat until steamy. Add garlic and cook about 1 minute. Add rice and corn. Cook uncovered for 15-20 minutes, stirring occasionally. Turn off heat. Add cheese and parsley. Use kitchen shears to snip chives over the skillet. Stir it all together until the cheese melts in and it looks all creamy and delish. Salt and pepper to taste. If you are feeling daring, add a few tablespoons of butter to finish it off. I did.

Every Morning

I have been showering at night for the past few months because I like to wake up in the morning and slowly become conscious, rather than forcing the life out of myself under some water. My routine before actually getting ready has become Dog Out, Feed Dog, Make Coffee, Check Email, Blog Sometimes. Because my computer sits by a street-facing window, I have noticed some neighbors' routines as well.

• Howard goes for a walk between 6 and 6:04. He uses an old set of radio headphones, and I imagine him listening to a jitterbug station, if there is such a thing around here.
• Brunette lady walks her dogs. She has the black lab on a leash, and an old golden lab limps dutifully behind them, off leash. This makes me sad, because it makes me think about looking out the window some day and only seeing the lady with the black lab.
• The kid across the street warms up his car, even when it's not cold out. It is obnoxiously pimped out and loud and everyday I count down to 6:16, when he drives away and my windows stop rattling.

I wonder if there is another neighbor who notices me? 7:10: Girl throws heavy tote bag and self into car, drives off to hateful district, counts down days to summer vacation: 15.

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So the pool is finally filled. The filter is not running, all the cracks have been sealed, and yet we still lost about an inch of water between last night and this morning. What the eff is going on with this thing???

Day Off

Ahhhh... You may be wondering why I'm blogging at 8:30 a.m. on a Wednesday that does not happen to be any kind of federal holiday. Or you may not really give a shit, but whatever.

I am home because I have taken the first of my 2 remaining personal days to go to the spa. Yes! I am just that posh. Um, and also, I have a gift certificate. This is coming at just the right time-- as the name of the package says, a "perfect refresher:" nails, toes, facial, a "light lunch" and a hairdo. I went ahead and scheduled a cut, color, and brow-waxing while I'm at it, and will actually be in the salon for about 5 hours today. I am expecting to step out of the place looking quite glamorous. Or at least not like the mess I have been looking like.

*****

We didn't exactly stay on top of keeping the pool clean toward the end of last summer. I called way late for an appointment to get it closed, and by the time they came, the trees were already shedding. There was a leak somewhere in the pool, and I was tired of going out and filling it up every day in order to run the filter, and oh yeah, there was this little incident with a $900 water bill. In short, I was tired of the damn thing, and let it get all green and nasty before the cover even went on.

Fast forward to last week, when we spend days pumping the cover, only to learn that it had a rip, and as much water as went through the pump, most of it actually came from the pool. When we finally took the cover off, the pool was only about half full and the water was smelly and murky and we decided to just drain and clean the whole thing. That ended up taking days as well, due to a broken pump, and the fact that the leaves and goddamn brown spikey ball things and whirlybirds kept clogging up the lines.

It is finally empty now, and my dad is coming over after work today to finish cleaning it out. P.S. He is the one doing most of this work, and when I said we spent days working on this, I really mean he did. Any suggestions for thank-you gifts? We owe him a lot.

Anyway, I have several calls in to pool places to come out and give us estimates to repair the cement and paint the whole thing. I have a feeling that by the time all of this happens, we will be close to, if not into July. Thank goodness for our A/C... knockonwood.

Itchy

In my last post I mentioned the little skin issue I had been having. The day after I wrote that post, I went out and bought some sensitive skin moisturizing body wash. This consequently gave me hives on top of what was already there.

I took a sick day today so I could get myself to the dermatologist and get all this biz taken care of. The hassle of getting a referral so quickly is a whole other story, of which I will spare you the agonizing details. All you need to know is that my appointment was at 8:30, so technically, I could have just gone into work a little late, but I didn't because I will use the extra time to get some stuff done around the house.

BWAHAHAHAA!!!

Thus far, I have cut the lemon bars I made last night (This recipe put me in the mood, but relax: I actually made these.), and vacuumed the living room.

That didn't last long. (My dog is a slob.) (She takes after me.)

Tasting

I've mentioned my feelings about cooking before. I don't mind doing it, but I don't love it either. This is mostly because of the clean-up factor and because I've never cooked anything that tasted better than something I could get in a restaurant (which has the added bonus of me getting served and not having to do dishes).

Anyway, I'm not a terrible cook, but I always seems to have minor issues along the way. I would like to submit the two most recent to you for further evidence that I should not bother cooking.

Reason the First: I decided to create my own risotto recipe last night. I melted some butter in the pan, added garlic and parsley, and toasted the arborio. Then, I went to add a splash of red wine, except I wasn't expecting the loud sizzle that was created when the wine hit the pan, and so it scared me and I jumped and I spilled a ton of wine into the rice and all over my stovetop. The risotto ended up coming out Just Okay.

Reason the Second: The night before, I hosted a Tastefully Simple party. (Yes, Christine you are right-- I have become total suburban housewife. Whatever. Free stuff.) All the recipes are simple enough, and the Banana Rum Cheese Ball was something easy like, "Add cream cheese to Packet 1. Stir until blended. Chill. Roll into ball. Roll ball into contents of Packet 2." Nothing about it except cutting the block of cream cheese required any measurement or anything! But you see, I made another recipe in the bowl before the Banana Ball, and so after I washed it out, I forgot to dry it, and then when I tried to mix the cream cheese with the flavoring packet, the mix came out all clumpy and gooey, and refrigerating it never really made it harden, and instead of a Banana Rum Cheese Ball, I made a Banana Rum Cheese Blob. It still tasted the same.

See? Minor catastrophes, I suppose, but I would be SO into a personal chef.

*****

There are two guys here setting up Alex's pool table today. I offered them coffee, and one guy asked for black, which is easy, but the other guy asked for "light and sweet," and since I usually use Splenda, not sugar, I wasn't sure how sweet was sweet and how light was light, and so after I made his coffee, I tasted it. I tasted his coffee from the cup I used to serve it in. To the pool table guy. I tasted the pool table guy's coffee right from his cup. And then I gave it to him with my germs on it. I tried not to backwash.

Desperate Housewife

Since moving in with Alex, I have found that I have serious issues with becoming a "housewife" when I am not actually his wife. It is true that he works 60 or more hours a week, while my hours on the clock are about 35. I get home at 4; he gets home between 10 and 11. I have the two weekend days off, in a row, and he gets Sundays and Tuesdays.

And yet, being the one to clean the bathroom for the third weekend in a row freakin pisses me off.

Even when I lived in my apartment, I had trouble cleaning on a regular basis. My blog entries have chronicled this; my friends and family have witnessed it. Now there are two of us making a mess, joint bills to pay, a dog to take care of, and time and time again, I find myself falling into a wifely role. I do the bulk of the cleaning, I pay the bills, if we are going somewhere, I consider if the dog will need watching and then find someone to do the watching for us.

I am trying so hard not to be a nag, because marriage or not, the nagging is what will truly turn me into a ball and chain. I refuse.

So instead, I do one of the following:
1) I clean and shut up about it.
2) I leave the mess for as long as I can and then start passive aggressively talking about the disgusting state of our house and eventually become so frustrated when he doesn't take the hints, that I end the whole thing in a screechy state of hysterics and tears wherein he becomes so frightened he promises to clean something for godsakes.

I would say that the ratio of the first scenario happening over the second occurs at 3:1, the latter mostly occurring during my PMS week.

And on that note, I have to go clean the kitchen.

Um. This is the title.

Hi all! Long time no see! I can only blame it on the fact that I spend too much time looking around at the house, thinking about everything that has to get done, and then not doing it. Oooh, except for the POOL, because after a lot of hard work and money, we finally WENT SWIMMING in it for the first time on Tuesday!! It was so lovely, and I plan to spend the afternoon looking around at the house, thinking about everything that has to get done, and then blowing up the new floats I bought and using them. I might also sneak-buy some patio chaise lounges, because although Alex plans on finding the best sale ever on the nicest patio furniture you've ever seen, we still have no seating on the deck. Current decor for rockin' outdoor atmosphere: 4 boxes of string lights, 2 citronella lanterns, and a solar spotlight to shine on the pool. You may have nowhere to sit, but goddammit you'll be able to see what you are standing in!

*****

Exciting News!!!!



This puppy will be mine in just a couple of weeks!!! Details to follow.

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Kid-Bit

Summer school has begun, and I now have a favorite new student. He is autistic, and completely hilarious, and he knows he is completely hilarious, even if I'm not allowed to laugh when an exchange like this takes place:

Me: Hey, guess what! We're going to go outside now!
CursingKid: Ooooooooooooh shit!
Me: Now, now. We only use nice words in school, remember?
CK: *sigh* Bastards.

or

Me: Can you tell me a word that rhymes with "bell?"
CK: (without skipping a beat) Hell?

Progress

We are pretty sure something Went Down in our house. Remember the floor, and how there was red stuff, resembling blood, all over it? Well we also found a bloody knife in the backyard, and when we pulled up the other bedroom carpet yesterday, there was a bullet!!!

In other news, the floor guy is coming this week to refinish all the upstairs hardwood, and install hardwood in the living room. Alex and a couple friends ripped up the nasty laundry room floor and put down some self-adhesive vinyl tiles. All that's left will be to lift up and replace the carpet in what we have been referring to "the pool table room," and hopefully the doggy smell will be gone and I'll stop finding little black hairs everywhere.

Also? I need to shut my big mouth next time I tease my mom about pouring over the thousands of variations of the same color paint, because jesus, did you know how many different whites there are?!?!

*****

Yesterday was one of those days where I cried all day for no reason. Alex would make a joke, and my laughter would spontaneously turn into crying, and he would get all nervous like he did something wrong. I think he was relieved when I fell in the Target parking lot and scraped up my knee, because at least he knew why the tears...

An update AND some pictures

A full week after the fact, I am not so, so clear on the details of the settlement anymore, as most of my brain has been filled up with paint colors and To-Do lists. Honestly, I wrote this entry already, and blogger was a bitch and didn't let me save it and now I don't feel like doing it again. So the abridged version:

Settlement was scheduled for Thursday at 10a.m., and on Wednesday at 5p.m., some guy from Newtown* called our realtor to tell her we couldn't settle because a year and a half ago, Seller replaced the heater without a permit and by an out-of-state worker. Our mortgage company wouldn't accept the temporary C.O., and the paperwork for our permanent C.O. was sitting on a desk somewhere with a big ol' "Rejected" stamp on it.

While she was driving to her office to meet us (we decided to keep our 8:30am walk-through anyway), OurRealtor called Alex to make sure he was still coming. The phone call went something like this: "Hi Alex, just wanted to make sure you-- Oh my god my car is on fire! Smoke is billowing from the hood! Other motorists are pointing at me!!!" Since Alex works in the car business, he told OR what to do, and we kept our plans to meet her at her office, because part of his advice involved demanding that her dealership come pick up her car and leave her a loaner.

So we get to her office and wait around for the loaner. It gets there, we get in, and we hear, "RRRRRRPPPPPP!" as Alex's pants rip right down the back. He offers to run into the Target nextdoor, but OR refuses to "let him walk around like that," and drives us back to his house.

And so this is how the day went. I was pretty sure that the Rejection and the Fire and the Rip were signs that we should not go through with it, but we did, albeit** 7 hours later than scheduled.

I suppose all's well that ends well, assuming this house doesn't turn into the Money Pit and things don't actually end well...

* Heh. Is probably actual town name somewhere...
** Hate this word, but my fingers spewed it out uncontrollably

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Some pictures to illustrate how things are going:


Dead bat in the fireplace
Murry, may you rest in peace


What I found when I ripped up the carpet in one of the bedrooms
Possible murder scene?


*Gag* Nastiness *gag* under the bathm*gag*at
And also, the chipping glaze hidden by said bathmat during walk-through


My tally of switch plates and plugs,
because I'd rather buy new than clean them all

So perhaps I was a little dramatic yesterday...

Everything ended up alright, and my story of the day even involves cars catching on fire and split pants! But I can't tell it now, for I have just spent my first 20 minutes of awakeness reading blogs instead of taking a shower.

I will leave you with an updated haiku, and give you more of the story when I get home.

I'm Bossy

I was with TheBoy
When he signed his life away
To the mortgage peeps,

And now we're owners
Of a split-level abode.
Congratulate us!

House-Buying Haiku, to release my anger

Realtor dropped the ball.
(Not ours.) Settlement postponed.
Fucking cock sucker.

Everybody grab yer hoe!

That is a lyric from a square dancing song in my students' spring musical. I always reach for the nearest coworker when they get to that part, and it hasn't stopped being funny yet. At least, not for me...

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Looks like updates are averaging about once to twice a month, and I have no excuse for that other than settlement is on Thursday and I have been spending most of my time online browsing for outdoor livingrooms and puppies.

*****

I got the summer school job I applied for, and will be teaching "school age students with multiple disabilities." I am actually really excited because for one, I will have a younger (cronologically and mentally) group to whom I get to teach colors and numbers and songs, and for two, some still curse, but it's because they are autistic and not because I just tried to pry a pencil from their hand after an attempted stabbing. Hours are only 8:30 to 12:30 each day, Monday through Thursday, and the hourly rate is way more than I ever got working retail.

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Alex and some people at work each put in $300, and whoever loses the most weight at the end of 5 weeks gets all the money. One one hand, we could buy something really cool for the new house with $1,800. On the other hand, he ate pizza for lunch yesterday while everyone else ate salad.

I have no room to judge, really. I spent almost $200 on Michael Thurmond's 6 Week Total Body Makeover, lost 10 lbs. the first week, and then, true to form, lost the will-power about a week and a half in. 8 of the pounds have come back already.

*****

We drove to "our house" yesterday. Since we don't have the keys yet, we couldn't go inside, but we did walk around the back yard and peek in windows. The place has been vacant for about a month now, and the yard is filled with too-long grass and weeds and dying trees and dog shit. I was prepared for the painting and floor stuff we are going to do inside, but I wasn't really thinking about the back yard because it was in okay enough shape when we saw it last that a good mow and a few flowers would have made it passable. Now, I fear that a major overhaul is due. (P.S. We don't have a lawn mower*.)

* When I was little, I called it a "mow lawner." I still have to consciously think about it each time I try to write or say it.

Away and Home

I spent Friday through Sunday in Florida. Ahhhh... 3 glorious days that included sun, the ocean, the "Largest Tiki Bar In Ft. Lauderdale!!!" and even a wedding. I finally got to meet TheBoy's two best friends (and I am still amazed that they are normal and non-frattish). Oh, and I came home with a sunburn that is so severe I cannot wear pants to work because ohgodThePain!!! I told my aide she is on her own if we have any major behavior problems, because although I enjoy a "take-down" every once in awhile, I'm not so confident I could do so in a skirt. See also: peeling skin in hair looking like nasty dandruff.

*****

They have taken the listing for OUR house off the real estate website, and although that means there is very little that can go wrong from here, and we'll be in the house a month from today, I miss watching the Virtual Tour and imagining all the rooms with my own paint colors and furniture. I paid the $5 to join Behr.com, because you can upload pictures of your room, and then use their paint tool to color in. So far, it is amazingly slow and frequently leads to browser shutdowns, but that could just be because my computer is now about 3-4 years old and therefore a senior citizen.

My landlord and I have been talking about getting together for drinks since I started renting the place, and it has just never happened. She emailed me last week so we could try again for a date, and I had to email her back a "yes, I'd love to hang out, and also will I still get my security deposit back if I break the lease?" type email. I feel really bad because I like her a lot. Almost to the point that I was just going to continue paying for the month I want to leave early, but I think Alex would have my head.

So, I haven't heard back from her yet, but that was just yesterday. Perhaps she had to go home and discuss it with her husband... Or maybe she needs time to figure out how to get away with the Perfect Murder. Either way, I am anxious.

Movin' Up!

Hey! So this?



It's the pool... AT OUR NEW HOUSE!!!!!!!!

I don't want to jinx anything, because closing isn't until the end of May, but YAY!!!

lksjfdhl;akshefouiasocbsaivbaibgva!!!!!!!!!

*****

Kid-Bit

Director of After-School Program: GremlinKid, what did you do on the bus last night?
GremlinKid: I didn't do nothin!
DASP: Oh really? Because I heard you said a bad word...
GremlinKid: No I didn't!
DASP: GremlinKid, be honest. Miss N. told me the kind of language you were using...
GremlinKid: What? I was using English!