The Old and the Restless
Conversation between my grandmother and me, yesterday while in the process of moving her into her new apartment:
Grandma: Can you help me screw this on? (Referring to the finial on a lamp)
Me: [screws on finial with ease]
G: Look at that! How come you could do that so easily and I couldn't???
Me: I don't know...
G: [looking quite pleased with herself over what she is about to say] It's because you know how to screw!
Another favorite of mine is when Morty, her new nextdoor neighbor came over to invite her to dinner. To set the scene, Morty is a pretty frail looking guy, and comes in wearing baggy sweatpants and and oversized worn-out terrycloth V-neck shirt, which is on backwards to reveal his moles and gray back hair. I'm sure this mortifies my grandmother, who would never be caught dead leaving the house without lipstick and her fancy cane.
Morty: Now I may be presumptuous, but the way to meet people around here is by going to the dining room. Now I don't know what you're doing for dinner, but have have two ladies over in my apartment -- we all watch TV together -- and we go down to the dining room together. Now we all go Dutch!! [Turns to me] This may sound weird to you in this day and age, but we do! We all go down together, and we all go Dutch!
Mom: [seeing the horror on my grandmother's face, who cannot think of an excuse to say no quickly enough] Oh, thanks Morty, but I brought dinner over for us, and my husband is coming over, and we're all set for dinner.
Grandma: [eyes lit up] Yes, Morty! We're all set for dinner, but thank you for showing me to the mail room this morning!
Morty: [shuffling out of the apartment] Yes, well. Maybe another time.
I wonder if Morty will try to peek into my Grandma's windows. If I were old, I wouldn't exactly think he's the cat's pajamas either. Who are these women who watch TV with him? Note to self: Go to dining room with Gma one day, and scan the area for cute, single oldies worthy of her attention.
Grandma: Can you help me screw this on? (Referring to the finial on a lamp)
Me: [screws on finial with ease]
G: Look at that! How come you could do that so easily and I couldn't???
Me: I don't know...
G: [looking quite pleased with herself over what she is about to say] It's because you know how to screw!
Another favorite of mine is when Morty, her new nextdoor neighbor came over to invite her to dinner. To set the scene, Morty is a pretty frail looking guy, and comes in wearing baggy sweatpants and and oversized worn-out terrycloth V-neck shirt, which is on backwards to reveal his moles and gray back hair. I'm sure this mortifies my grandmother, who would never be caught dead leaving the house without lipstick and her fancy cane.
Morty: Now I may be presumptuous, but the way to meet people around here is by going to the dining room. Now I don't know what you're doing for dinner, but have have two ladies over in my apartment -- we all watch TV together -- and we go down to the dining room together. Now we all go Dutch!! [Turns to me] This may sound weird to you in this day and age, but we do! We all go down together, and we all go Dutch!
Mom: [seeing the horror on my grandmother's face, who cannot think of an excuse to say no quickly enough] Oh, thanks Morty, but I brought dinner over for us, and my husband is coming over, and we're all set for dinner.
Grandma: [eyes lit up] Yes, Morty! We're all set for dinner, but thank you for showing me to the mail room this morning!
Morty: [shuffling out of the apartment] Yes, well. Maybe another time.
I wonder if Morty will try to peek into my Grandma's windows. If I were old, I wouldn't exactly think he's the cat's pajamas either. Who are these women who watch TV with him? Note to self: Go to dining room with Gma one day, and scan the area for cute, single oldies worthy of her attention.
posted by Jess at 8:44 AM
1 Comments:
Old guys tend to get an inflated sense of their own attractiveness due to their scarcity.
When my second grandma died, the widows in his old people complex were beating down his frickin' door to go to the dining room with him.
And while he's my grandpa and he's fun and all, I'm not so sure he's THAT great a catch.
Typical guy, though: he married the one lady who played hard to get.
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