Shit-Faced

Coconut threw up a shit-loat (no pun intended) of rabbit turds last night. I'm not sure what to do about this. I spend most of my evenings being duped into taking her outside a million times, not so she can pee, but so she can shove her entire face into one of the many rabbit-holes peppering my backyard and feast on their bite-sized raisinettes. I swear I feed my dog-- her food has gravy in it, even! Why does she insist on supplementing her meals with that??

I'd like to get rid of the rabbits altogether, because I feel like fucking* Snow White when I go out back, with the squirrels and the cardinals and blue jays and jesus christ the only animal shit I want in my back yard belongs to my dog, damn it!

* this is an adjective, not a verb

*****

I woke up this morning to an empty bottle of Jim Beam** and a recording on my microwave (yes, our microwave has a voice recorder-- I know, weird) of some fumbling and a slurred "I love you." It's the little things.

** Since I'm not sure if Jim Beam is even a quality bourbon, I feel compelled to clarify that I bought it for a recipe (bourbon bread pudding!) last November because it was the smallest bottle of bourbon they had. It has been hanging around ever since. I didn't think I knew any bourbon drinkers to consume the rest.