Hoping for a Metamorphosis
In keeping with a drunken theme... I can't sleep soundly anymore if I don't drink before I go to bed. This is not to say I'm drinking every night before bed. Mostly, it's just to say I haven't really been sleeping. Also, I seem to have crossed over into that place where my stomach is so filled with butterflies all the time, there is no room for food.
I received my third and final formal observation last week. The VP came in during a time when my schedule said, "Breakfast and Morning Meeting." The previous week, my special ed director told me to reduce academics until behaviors were under control. So when he came in, instead of doing/crumpling up/ripping in half the usual math papers that I had always left on my students' desks each morning, my class was playing with silly putty while waiting for their breakfast. Silly putty, people. At the time, I thought I was providing them with a soothing morning activity. This is especially true for some of the students with sensory issues. The kids weren't great, but they weren't as bad as they would have been with work in front of them. Well, I guess looking back I can see how ridiculous this is.
The observation notes my lack of adequate, time-aware planning, my "concerning" morning activity, and my disregard for individual student needs. There is more, but those are the highlights. I have not had my post-observation meeting with him yet, and so all of this keeps going around and around in my head. I want him to know my reasons for doing what I was doing at the time, but I don't want to sound like I'm defensive. And the same time, I really want to give him the finger and tell him where to put his fucking observation.
Anyway, during spring break, I'm going to start putting an updated resume together. This is not to say I won't get my job back for next year (though I am very uncertain), but truthfully, I don't think I want it back. My dream is to get canned, then magically fix my class, find a job elsewhere, have my current district change its mind and offer to renew me for next year, and say, "Hm, no thanks. I found a way better, less stressful job in Xtown." Okay, well maybe that's not really my dream, because the fact of the matter is, I will be mortified if I am not rehired for next year. And I know, I know, everything happens for a reason, and when one door closes, another one opens, and all that crap that my mom has been saying in an attempt to make me feel better about all of this. But damn it, these butterflies won't go away.
I received my third and final formal observation last week. The VP came in during a time when my schedule said, "Breakfast and Morning Meeting." The previous week, my special ed director told me to reduce academics until behaviors were under control. So when he came in, instead of doing/crumpling up/ripping in half the usual math papers that I had always left on my students' desks each morning, my class was playing with silly putty while waiting for their breakfast. Silly putty, people. At the time, I thought I was providing them with a soothing morning activity. This is especially true for some of the students with sensory issues. The kids weren't great, but they weren't as bad as they would have been with work in front of them. Well, I guess looking back I can see how ridiculous this is.
The observation notes my lack of adequate, time-aware planning, my "concerning" morning activity, and my disregard for individual student needs. There is more, but those are the highlights. I have not had my post-observation meeting with him yet, and so all of this keeps going around and around in my head. I want him to know my reasons for doing what I was doing at the time, but I don't want to sound like I'm defensive. And the same time, I really want to give him the finger and tell him where to put his fucking observation.
Anyway, during spring break, I'm going to start putting an updated resume together. This is not to say I won't get my job back for next year (though I am very uncertain), but truthfully, I don't think I want it back. My dream is to get canned, then magically fix my class, find a job elsewhere, have my current district change its mind and offer to renew me for next year, and say, "Hm, no thanks. I found a way better, less stressful job in Xtown." Okay, well maybe that's not really my dream, because the fact of the matter is, I will be mortified if I am not rehired for next year. And I know, I know, everything happens for a reason, and when one door closes, another one opens, and all that crap that my mom has been saying in an attempt to make me feel better about all of this. But damn it, these butterflies won't go away.
posted by Jess at 6:20 AM
3 Comments:
:(
I have nothing good to say. So i send **hugs**.
They'll miss you when you're gone. That's for sure.
Jess, I just read over everything and man, pardon me, but really? FUCK THEM. For real. It is not your fault that your class is terrible. They didn't provide you with the tools to instill some fear into these kids and frankly, short of sitting on some of them I don't understood how you could ever help to control any of them to begin with. I'm a little shaky on my Ed Law...but couldn't you get the really bad one, the one who has disrupted everything to go to another district or school if your school is inappropriate for his educational needs?
In any case, you're amazing. Your job is no freaking joke, and I'm sorry anyone is giving you slack for it at all. I think they would have a very hard time filling your shoes.
Claire - Thanks ;)
Christine - Ultimately the decision to give a kid the boot has to be approved by the superintendent. Our new superintendent is refusing to send anyone out. After visiting two other schools, I have seen that we do not have a comprehensive program for behavioral students. I have mentioned this, and the fact that because of this, we will not be able to meet all of their needs, and I was basically told "oh well."
But thanks for the words of encouragement :)
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